I totally understand that it won't be easy at first. Where would be the faith in that? But after a few months, don't you think it should get easier? If you are obedient to God, he should reward you, bless you, and make all your dreams come true.
But that's not true.
And that shouldn't be true.
It's been nearly 9 months since I graduated from college. And I have come a long way from that "waiting" stage of my life. I have a part time job, a couple of freelance jobs, and an amazing boyfriend. I have so much to be thankful for. I suppose that should mean that instead of complaining about where God has led me, I should feel blessed.
But I don't. I feel annoyed. Annoyed because this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. Annoyed because I don't feel like, even now, I am any good at my jobs. Annoyed because my amazing boyfriend lives four hours away.
And so here I am again, waiting. Waiting for the day when I don't feel incompetent in the work that I do. Waiting for the day when I have a job by which I can define myself (Why yes, I am a doctor! [Not that I'm planning on being a doctor]). Waiting for the day when I don't have to drive half a day to see the people I care about.
Sometimes I like to tell God that it has been long enough. Clearly I've learned whatever lessons you had for me here, now let me move on. Let me move to Florida where the sun shines every day! Let me have a full time job that I can brag about to all the people who ask me what I am doing with my life. Let me move past this part of my life where I have to constantly guess at the future.
I've always been one who wanted to skip the adventure and get right to the end. When I made the international team for Bible quizzing my first year, I was so nervous I wished I could just skip that entire week of my life. That way, I would have the experience without actually experiencing it.
|The 2007 North Eastern District International Team!|
Of course it was an amazing experience, full of embarrassing moments, thrilling victories, and a ridiculously long wait to try an authentic slice of Chicago style pizza.
But in this situation, I'm not recognizing those thrilling victories. Maybe the embarrassing moments, but it's hard to realize what I am gaining from this experience. Why, why why did God put me where he did? And why isn't it easy to stay there?
I'm sure in a few years (hopefully) I will be on the other side of this, and can tell you my fabulous story of how God was faithful. And I'm also sure I'll have a new story I'm experiencing to complain about. Because our stories never end, only the chapters do.
But for now, what I can tell you is that, although God is good, he didn't make a promise to me that I would love my job, or find it easy. He didn't make a promise to me that life would be carefree and fun. And God certainly does not owe me any of that. I owe him my allegiance.
So I am where God called me simply because God called me there. And I will stay where God called me simply because I am his servant.
I know that God is good, and faithful, and that he is walking this road with me. But I also know that he is God, and my life is his, to do with as he pleases.
So here you are, God. Here am I, just hanging out in your presence, just waiting on your will, just living for your glory. That is, after all, what I was created for.